Communicating whilst one is away

How on earth did people travel abroad before the advent of cell phones or laptops.

Honest to God, we've been emailed, texted, and called ever since we left home, and only a few were actually necessary or relevant. I myself warned my kids that they were only allowed to call (or text) us in the event of an emergency. Emails were ok but they also had to understand I might not get them for a day or so.

This is what's gone on so far this trip.

An email from Vet Tech Girl (who's caring for Wilbur): Wilbur threw up. He's probably excited about playing with Duncan. I'll clean it up.

An email from Baby Girl: Evi is very sick and at the hospital. So far the bill is $400.00. (Note: Baby Girl spells her cat's name Evi after Evgeny Malkin, a hockey player. I call the cat Evvy or Evelyn just to piss Baby Girl off). Hans wants to know what the hell kind of services cost $400.00. I tell him not to ask.

I zip off a quick email to Vet Tech Girl: Hans was talking to Nasty Neighbor the morning we were leaving and he warned us that he has poison all over his property because of raccoons. He also said he had to have his dog put to sleep because too many people in the neighborhood have gotten dogs (you know he meant us!) and his dog couldn't handle the stress!

Vet Tech Girl emails back that Wilbur is fine, Neighbor is an asshole, and she's sure that her roommate's dog Molly (who is a spoiled ankle biting screamer) is the one that upset poor Butterscotch the now dead dog! Also Duncan and Miley (Duncan's squeeze, a pretty little daschund) love Wilbur's big beef bone. They've left bone chips all over the place. She will clean it up.

I email Vet Tech Girl and warn her that Wilbur is only allowed to chew the beef bone on his pad.

Vet Tech Girl replies: He keeps it on the pad but Duncan and Miley don't. I'll clean up it up.

Baby Girl emails that her old boyfriend/stalker is going to put new brakes, rotors, wiper blades, and a headlight on our car in order to help it pass inspection, and am I willing to pay for it.

My answer: Only if he knows what he's doing and why on earth are you talking to him???

Last Friday Hans received two texts at the same time. One said, "We're at Evi's" and the next one said, "Evi died this morning."
Now here is a bit of a coincidence. You see, Hans' Aunt Eva goes by a nickname pronounced as Ayfee but is spelled Evi. Baby Girl's cat's name is spelled Evi so poor Hans almost had to sit down when Baby Girl deemed the death of Evi the Cat as Text worthy as opposed to Email worthy and sent her message at the same time Hans' Baby Brother sent his text as he wanted us to know he'd arrived at Aunt Evi's house.

I'm the only one who found this to be morbidly funny.

I did get a follow up email that an autopsy on Evi the Cat is being performed. I told Hans not to worry when he asked if autopsies are free.

A recent email from Vet Tech Girl went like this: What the hell have you been feeding Wilbur? He has the shits! I told you only 10% of his diet should be liver and you've got it at about 50%!!! I'll clean up the mess. BTW his beef bone is really starting to stink!! Signed, your loving daughter.

From me to Vet Tech Girl: Dear rotten ungrateful daughter, Wilbur never had the shits until you started watching him! Put the bone outside.

From Vet Tech Girl: Oops I have no idea how Wilbur got a hold of one of your sandals but I don't think anyone will notice the heel. I threw it in your bedroom. Sorry.

Me to Vet Tech Girl: I woke up this morning here in Germany and could have sworn Chlorox was walking on me (sometimes I get these premonitions). Would you please make sure she's still alive.

Vet Tech Girl to me: She's been screaming her head off, she's fine.

Vet Tech Girl again: Wilbur is a naughty boy. He thinks he's allowed to see what's on the counters. BTW, I've been diagnosed as bipolar and listed you as my emergency contact.

Me to Vet Tech Girl: When the hell did Wilbur get tall enough to counter surf?

Hans was concerned about the bipolar business. What did they call it before they had a name for it, he wanted to know. They called it being a bitch, was my reply and I'll deal with that nonsense when I get home.

I have to say though that this email is my favorite. It had no text, just this picture. That's Duncan, Wilbur, and the little lady on the bottom is Duncan's woman Miley. I only wish she hadn't used her flash as they all look possessed!

Years ago my best friend went on vacation to Aruba with her boyfriend. She told her kids that under no circumstances were they to call her. Even if they broke a leg, "It would be set before I could even get home anyway, SO DON'T YOU DARE CALL!"

I remember being very shocked and thought she was being callous but I have to say after this trip I'm in total agreement with her!!!