Thursday, August 27, 2009

Meet Evvy Malkin; AKA Evil Kitty

The not so innocent Evvy.

I managed to go back home and visit with Baby Girl who just returned from Europe, where she went with her college soccer and volleyball teams. In addition to learning that they didn't go into the red light district while in Amsterdam (big sigh of relief on my part), I was informed that she spent most of her time as 'Mediator' to the many 'Bitch Fests' that took place amongst the girls. She finally asked the girls if they couldn't postpone their hissy fits for back home, "We're in Europe! God! Can't you guys just have fun?"

Anyway, when I walked into Baby Girl's apartment she handed me the house's newest member.

A very tiny, black and white kitten.

Very tiny.

And her name is Evvy (after Evgenie Malkin the hockey player who, BTW, shares a birthday with Hans!). She had been abandoned at around three weeks of age and had to be fed with a dropper at first, and now has something like four different kinds of cat food (Baby Girl said this last part with disgust), to choose from.

I held Evvy between my thumb and forefinger, and let her fat little belly rest in the palm of my hand while she very sweetly listened to my gushing exclamations of her beauty.

A tea cup weighs more than this little girl.

I totally ignored Baby Girl's warnings that Evvy might be evil.

Baby Girl had told me that Evvy's mother had shown up long enough to give birth to Evvy and her brother, in the garage out back, but soon afterward had vamoosed with the brother and left tiny little Evvy behind.

"Oooooo is so pitty!" I crooned to Evvy. "Oooooo is just so pitty!"

Evvy's nose twitched in the cutest way and she blinked her big blue eyes at me. I ignored Baby Girl's admonitions to 'be careful.'

"Oooooo is precious!" I rubbed noses with Evvy.

Baby Girl huddled in her chair and whispered, "Have you seen Orphan?"

Still tossing the exquisite little Evvy around, I said I hadn't, but I really wanted to. "It looks so scary though!"

"Well, that's The Orphan you're holding over there." she said.

"Huh?" I said, just as Evvy drew back her lips in a silent hiss thus showing me all of her 'not so tiny' and very sharp teeth.

She looked just like a cobra.

"Good God!" I shouted.

In addition to the silent hissing, via her suddenly unhinged jaw, Evvy added a routine that involved mesmerizing jujitsu style paw waving, and then she bit me.

"Good God!" I shouted again.

"I told you so!" Baby Girl announced triumphantly. "Her mother left her here because she's evil and you know what? She hasn't grown a bit! I was gone for ten days and when I got back the only thing about her that I can see is bigger, is her teeth!"

I dropped Evvy onto the couch and she immediately attacked my purse. She tore at the handles with claws that were as transparent as monofilament thread but as sharp as razor blades, and ripped at them with her many teeth.

I left her alone, hoping that she'd wear herself out, but if anything she picked up speed. It was finally decided that she needed to be put in her room (which is the bathroom with a litter box) and away she went.

I departed for home and was thankful that I don't live in Maine, where Mr. Stephen King resides, and where all kinds of strange and crazy things happen to ordinary people who have ordinary pets.

Update: Within a week I had to make yet one more pilgrimage back home and I stopped at Baby Girl's apartment. She was out on her front porch, working on her computer. And who do you think gamboled and cavorted her way across the porch to greet me?

Well certainly not Baby Girl. She hasn't cavorted for her mother in a long time.

It was Evvy and she was at her most charming.

She only bit me once and Baby Girl explained that they finally came up with the, spray bottle full of water punishment technique, in an effort to dissuade little Evvy from her evil ways. Everytime she's bad, she gets sprayed.

Out on the porch.

Hiding on the porch.

Baby Girl (who turns 21 this week!) also hiding on the porch and yelling, "Gawd!!! Go away, Mom!! Go away!!"

She never used to talk to me this way!

Where's that damn spray bottle!


Sewfast said...

What a cutie patootie...Evvy that is. I laughed at the spray daughter was doing that with my grandkitty Chief...she is really well behaved at our spray bottle needed here!

debbie said...

God, I love your sense of humor when you write! Plus I know kitties, and yes I can really picture the whole scene with Evvy who's a cutie btw. Bringing my fav author Stephen King in was the topper.

Now hurry up and finish As the Stomach Turns pretty please. I haven't commented, but I've been reading right along.

Kathi D said...

Oh that kitty! A cutie!

laura said...

I find it kind of funny that the kitty hangs out with Baby Girl so much since it's not even hers, and she says she doesn't like cats.
As the Stomach Turns is slooowly evolving, and another chapter will be published soon.
I think.