The move is on. So what could go wrong?

As I mentioned earlier, Hans got a job offer in Florida and we've been trying very hard to settle our affairs here up north before we jump into our two vehicles and head south in order to move our boat from the east coast of Florida to the west. God, it sounds so simple.

Hans has done a very good job of tying up the loose ends of our lives here, ie; the landlord, utilities, and making reservations for us at pet friendly hotels along the way, while I've been weeding through too much junk (who really uses the lotions pilfered from hotel rooms and why do we really need eleven chapstiks?), wearing a rut in the road to the Good Will, becoming great friends with a very sweet liquor store employee (who calls out, "Hey girl, how ya doing?" every time I slink in and ask for more boxes and only occasionally some alcohol), puzzling over why Hans still has a pair of black jeans with a waist band measurement he hasn't seen since the last century, and all the while sweating like a whore in church.

Damn, this has been a hot summer.

Things were moving along quite swimmingly until Hans came home Thursday morning after his very last hockey game here in our Big City, sporting a knee cap twice its normal size thanks to a run in with the boards. Keep in mind that Hans has a huge tolerance for pain and never complains. But when I asked if he needed an ibuprofen and he agreed that it wouldn't be a bad idea, my heart sunk as I knew I was now the only soldier remaining on the field.

He spent the day on the futon with an ice pack on his knee and a warm pitty at his side.


Sally Stitch didn't make the cut and was delivered to the Good Will. She had many chances to redeem herself but never quite followed through.

Now someone else will have to put up with her antics.



I'll miss her.











Here's Hans lying on the futon with his knee injury and a smile on his face.

BTW, that futon bought the farm last weekend during Baby Brother's stay and refuses to sit upright. It will now find itself on the street with our garbage next Tuesday morning.

One less thing to store.







Just a small amount of junk that's going into storage.























The ironing board also ended up at the Good Will. I'm not storing a ten dollar item.









The day after Hans injured his knee, I spent the day sorting, sweating, and packing. Then Wilbur woke me up at one AM with the pukes. He made it as far as the kitchen before he lost it but hey... it's only linoleum. When he woke me up at three AM with more puking I got him as far as the deck. After that he expressed an interest in some alone time and slept on the futon. However the next morning I found he'd had a serious tummy issue and tried to hide it in the corner of the living room (on the landlord's off white berber carpeting no less). It was diarrhea, and bloody diarrhea at that.

That's when my world stopped.

So in addition to my very expensive 'cut and color' at the salon, Wilbur got rushed to the vet clinic. Normally he loves the attention he gets at the vet's but he really wasn't prepared for things getting stuck up his butt, deep into his ears, and sharp sticks being poked into his flesh. After his second injection, indignation practically dripped off of him and with wild eyes, he forlornly oowoooed and ooowoooed his way around the examination room. When we left, with four prescriptions, he told his former favorite people that he just might not come back.

He then slept the whole way home and hasn't pooped since.

This was two days ago and while I normally like the aroma of chicken and rice, I don't care for it in the recycled form of dog farts.


A very sick pitty and I pray he poops before the day is out!

Today is Sunday, we finish packing on Monday, the movers show up on Tuesday, and we're on our way Wednesday.

I only hope Wilbur doesn't have an oops moment at any of the hotels we have reserved!

I'm serious!.

"What a world, what a world!"

Anyone recognize that quote?


It's been one of those days.

It started when I woke up in an absolute sweat after what seemed like an all night long dream about being in labor. In my dream I was all of a sudden 9 months pregnant, in labor, and belatedly realized that I hadn't been to the doctor for any prenatal checkups.

Smooth move for an almost 50 year old woman.

I also walked through the snow in bare feet to the car in order for Hans to take me to the hospital.

Hans told me my ex husband had better pay for half of my doctor bill (??!!).

At the hospital there were nurses everywhere but they were all sitting around and doing nothing (where the hell did that come from, because in my opinion nurses are overworked and underpaid!).

The only way I could get comfortable was to get on my hands and knees on the cold hospital floor and breath deeply.

When I asked if I couldn't please have a bed, one of the nurses brought me a blanket.

My contractions stopped and I went home.

I wondered if I was ever going to have this baby.



Then I woke up.

With cramps so bad it felt like a chain saw was roaring through my lower back!

Why can't I find a doctor who will rip out my uterus?


Anyway, since there was no way I could go to the gym (tomorrow will be a 'no go' too but I'll leave out the gruesome details) I zipped off to the grocery store and got into a fight.

I was in the middle of the store and I could feel my face turn red when I actually resorted to kicking and swearing.

I bet that shopping cart rues the day it tangled with me because I'm on to the old "my front wheel is frozen" routine and I just wasn't putting up with it today!



Baby Girl called and is under the impression I should attend spring break with her and her college lacrosse team.

My son (who is 26) called and said Baby Girl told him I'm going on spring break, and if I go, he'll go as he needs to use up some vacation time before April.

I've never been on spring break and I'm not sure it's a real good idea.


My mother called to let me know her neighbor (and very dear friend), and someone I used to baby sit for, died during the night and Mom found out about it at a township meeting this morning. What really has me pissed is this woman's children hadn't notified a soul of her death, and her own grandchildren didn't know she was gone but by God the township knew! I think someone at the hospital has a big mouth and I'm calling Mom back tomorrow and putting her on the trail (so there!)!

I tried to work on a purse for a little girl and sewed the facing in upside down.

I fixed that problem, installed the handles, and realized they looked like sh*t.

They've been ripped out and maybe I'll fix them tomorrow.

Hans went to 'band practice' tonight. Way back in the day he played keyboard in a punk rock band and now a friend of his has a strong desire to play music IN A BAR!!!!!! like it's some kind of exciting thing, and he's recruited Hans and a couple of other buddies to make his dream come true!

I'm just not up to someone elses mid life crisis right now!

So the quote, "What a world, what a world!" is from The Wicked Witch of the West and she says this at the end of The Wizard of Oz.

Right now she's my hero.

The best laid plans...

When we got up this morning (a really late, almost noon morning!) I informed Hans that I had a wild day in store for us.

First, coffee and cereal (how I slave for that man!)

Then the gym.

To be followed with a trip to the big library so that Hans could get something to read (I currently have 2 books so I'm ok).

A very necessary trip to the grocery store (toilet paper!). Together. At the same time!

All of this would be followed up, back at the apartment with big bowls of left over beef stew!



Then Hans' cell phone rang and all my plans went to hell in a hand basket.



"Let's go skiing for the weekend!" Hans' friends cried.


And throwing my plans to the wind, Hans couldn't gather up his ski equipment fast enough. He even went so far as to reschedule the huge on-line poker game that he won a chance to play in. Now to understand how important these poker games are to Hans; I could stand in front of him, frantically waving my arms all the while choking on a thousand chicken bones, and he would say, "Can you wait just a second? There's this big bully from Romania who has no idea how to play poker and I think I finally have him beat! He's put me all in for the last time and..."


Anyway, I think you get the picture.

So while Hans went skiing, I ended up cutting out a Belle Bag from a couple of dish towels.

Here are the main pieces of the body of the bag.

The green pieces are the lining.

I had sewn the main bag together when I remembered I would need these important things called 'handles'.

I have a loop of boning attached to the top of the bag to see how a fabric handle might look, in addition to the handles lying beside it.

Tomorrow I'll make my decision.

Since a certain someone went skiing, I went to Liquor Land and found this.

A bottle of Tempra Tantrum wine.

Hans called me after arriving at his friend's condo at the ski lodge and I told him about my find.

I informed him that this would be the perfect wine for me to drink during PMS.

He asked me if this was a fire that really needed more fuel!

We'll just find out, won't we!

I have a dream

And I'm going to interrupt my latest sewing project to tell it to you.

Actually I've had this dream for quite some time but it was brought home to me again tonight, and since I'm feeling generous I'm going to share it.

Here in my Big City and I'm sure it's the same in other cities throughout the USA, our highways are congested and we have to fight our way through a lot of traffic on a daily basis. So I think it's important for all concerned to keep things moving along in a smooth and efficient manner.

And I don't just mean drivers, I'm talking about pedestrians too.

I managed to get stuck in rush hour traffic tonight which means that a fifteen minute commute turned into an hour long torture. So, there I was, first in line at the intersection's red light, and by God I intended to hold up my end of the bargain by zipping right on through as soon as it turned green.


I just wasn't counting on a Saunterer.

Yes, folks, a dreaded Saunterer.

You see, here in my Big City we have a group of people who feel that traffic lights are for everyone else, but certainly not for them.

This means that they can walk wherever they want, anytime they want, usually at the speed of zero, and almost always in front of my car when I'm at a green light.

The saunterer loves to step off the curb at just the right moment and with an insolent sneer, swaggers past and just dares me to do anything about it.

By the time the saunterer's fat ass is out of my way I hope the opposing traffic (who's pawing at the ground and raring to go!) doesn't clip me as I race through an "I thought it was yellow, officer!" light.

Is it any wonder there's a shortage of bourbon in the apartment?

This brings me to my dream.

I win the lottery.

I hit the streets in search of Saunterers, and in true Millionaire fashion I find them and bestow upon them, airline tickets to Europe. Hell, I may even spring for First Class.

It doesn't matter what country; France, England, Germany... the important thing is I get them there.

I arrange for a taxi to get them into the heart of the city where they are then let loose.

The only stipulation is that I have to be there to witness the following: A Saunterer attempting to jay walk.

Because it's only going to happen once.

Just seeing the insolent smirk on the Saunterer's face disappear, only to be followed by incredulous jaw dropping right before their final departure to the great Jay Walking Land in the Sky, would be priceless.


I never said it was a nice dream!




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually one of the scariest taxi rides I've ever experienced was in Dublin. Our driver, who told us he was from Jamaica (and I wonder if someone didn't play fair with him and tell him "Sure, Dublin's just like Jamaica, warm and sunny!"), had an angry lead foot and didn't know where the brake pedal was. I watched sure footed and very agile pedestrians scatter like pigeons in our wake and I had to close my eyes for the remainder of the journey as we barrelled our way through the city.

And these particular pedestrians had the right of way!

When Baby Girl went over to Europe this summer, in addition to warning her about keeping her passport with her at all times, Yes, in the shower too, dammit!, I stressed that she was never, ever to jay walk.

And if I win the lottery, I'll be able to send a lot of Saunterers abroad because I'm only going to buy them one way tickets.

Why?

I don't think they'll be coming back!

No I don't have PMS!

Deep fried foods are not a substitute for spinning class...

... no matter how you try to rationalize it!

It's been a week since I took my first spinning class and, like giving birth, the pain has faded into the distance. I was all set to do it again tonight but Hans informed me that we were going to dinner with a some people he does business with.

I'm now home after eating huge deep fried mushrooms, deep fried zucchini, breaded fried onions, tortilla chips with jalapenos drenched in melted cheese, and a lot of beer.

Add to this a huge dose of PMS and I don't even want to know what kind of nightmares I'm going to have tonight.

I joined a gym almost two months ago to try and rid myself of the ten pounds I've put on in the last two years. Five pounds per year to be exact.

It's taken me about seven weeks to lose a grand total of two pounds!!!!

This has been one long haul and while I'd like to blame my almost 50 years for it, I think what I'm putting into my body may have a lot more to do with it!

And I'm not overly thrilled with the purse I'm working on and the fact that I'm supposed to cut 1/4 inch slashes around the entire perimeter of the damned thing has me thinking this might not be a real good idea at this time!

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times; thank God I'm not a surgeon!

Purses and a touch of PMS

Here are some pictures of my latest purses. In addition to my weekend trip, I made yet one more visit back to my home town on Tuesday as I had a birthday party to attend, and my gift was supposed to be one of my 3 in 1 purses.

I'm sorry to say the birthday girl got short changed. She only ended up with the tote bag (the bag in the middle of this picture) part of the deal.

Why?

Because the weather here in the great Northeast sucks, that's why! Since there was a weather advisory (calling for at least a foot of snow) issued for my little swamp town I decided to get an early start and there was no way I could finish this whole combo in time. And let me tell you, this is a labor intensive purse.


Here is what it would have looked like if I'd finished it in time. I made 2 of them, so this one will end up in my Etsy shop.

The outer bag is buttoned in place and becomes pockets for the tote bag.









Since the inner tote bag that belonged to this outer bag was given as a gift, I didn't bother to put button holes in it. The button holes serve two purposes (1) they allow you to attach it to the bigger tote bag and (2) if you carry it by itself you just button its handles to it. When not in use, the handles lie in the bottom of the bag.

And since this one is all on its own I just added grommets for the straps.

This is now a fun bag or a wine bag.




Here is the tote bag once it's been unbuttoned from the outer bag.














Here is the outer bag in its wine bag mode. I stood the bottle up so you could get an idea of its size.












Here's the bottle of wine lying inside. It closes with a magnetic catch.













The inside pocket of the inner (bigger) bag, with my Knotty Cat zipper pull.


















A view of the inside of the inner (bigger) tote.


I mentioned in a previous post that Baby Girl was to help me with PhotoShop this weekend.


First of all I had PMS so I was already a little moody. Hans had offered to help me but I still remembered when he offered to show me how to download pictures from my camera to my computer (this was last year and I've mentioned many times that I know nothing about computers!) and things didn't go so well.

That's all I'll say on that subject for now.

Of course now I can download pictures in my sleep but that's because I do it all the time.

So I decided instead of getting frustrated and mad at Hans I could always get frustrated and mad at Baby Girl because she can't dump me. I also offered to pay her because unfortunately Baby Girl recently had the misfortune to suffer from the all too common malady striking college students these days.

The inability to balance a check book.

So on Sunday, I showed up at Baby Girl's apartment all bright eyed and ready to learn.

Baby Girl wasn't so bright eyed ("I went out last night.") and pulled a Hans on me.

After attempting to install PhotoShop on my computer...

Baby Girl: "When's the last time you checked for updates on your computer?"

Me: "Um, I'm not sure?"

Baby Girl: Deep sigh, "I'll take that as a no." And then typed far too hard on my keyboard as far as I'm concerned.

Once Photoshop was installed, Baby Girl got my Etsy banner done, and then tried to explain PhotoShop's basic functions to me. She was all over the place, right clicking and left clicking like crazy and not explaining anything at all. Finally at one point when her little fingers were doing a wild Irish jig all over the keyboard I had to stop her.

She got snappy with me and I found myself blinking back tears.

I finally got her to write some stuff down and I really felt like I had a good grasp on things.

Until I got home.

I opened a picture in Photoshop and proceeded to absolutely butcher one of my purse pictures. Luckily for me (but not so lucky for Baby Girl) we're headed back to my swamp town for Easter this weekend and I intend to get my moneys worth out of her!

It's so not fun feeling stupid all the time and I wonder if my sheer denseness has anything to do with the fact that my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me.

One Wild Weekend

I'm on my own this weekend as Hans had to go out of town on business.

And boy, there's gonna be some wild partying going on here, let me tell you! I've got on my sweat pants and Chlorox (who's in charge of the hors' d'oeuvre's) has spent most of the day turning herself inside out and chasing what I assume is a mouse but I've yet to see or hear it.

And of course there was my crazy, zany, fun trip to WalMart where every idiot this side of the Mississippi decided to shop, at the exact same time as me.

First, the parking lot where I swear the driver in front of me was blind because there's no other explanation for it.

Yes, please leave your overflowing cart in the middle of the aisle while you go visit with Bubba and the WHOLE Bubba family because "I aint seen you since last week at Bingo." And don't even think of giving me a dirty look when I shove your stupid cart to the side.

I know if I were a child I'd behave a lot better too if my mother shrieked and screamed at me and told me to shut the F up.

You there, in front of the bakery rack, with your cart blocking the entire bread section. Can you see me twisting my body into positions it was never meant to be in while I try to reach around you to get a GD loaf of Italian bread? And please forgive me when I say through clenched teeth, "I've been in this place long enough." in response to your "I'm gonna wait right here till they bring some fresh bread out. They're baking it right now you know." comment.

After dodging way too many slow moving, aisle hogging locals I raced for the under 20 items checkout counter and got behind old 'let me tell you my life story' lady and the 'let me listen and then give you my life story' cashier. "Aren't these niiize?" We all got to look at the candy dishes that were placed on the conveyor belt. "Just perfect for Christmas presents, doncha think? Except this one's chipped. Should I go back and get another?" The cashier gushed that, yes, they're just wonderful and then we got to hear about all the crafty things she's done for the past twenty Christmases, and they both finally decide that some glue and glitter will probably take care of the chip. At this point I leaned on my cart, groaned, and under my breath, muttered, "Oh please shut the hell up and get moving." I looked up to see the cashier at the next counter watching me and I think she reads lips.

Finally 'life story lady' was bagged up and then and only then did she haul out her check book. Could she have been prepared and had the damn thing filled out with just the amount remaining to be filled in?

Of course not.

This then resulted in "I know you're honest but I need to see some ID." Chuckle, chuckle.

A lot of digging through a massive purse finally produced a driver's license and then Sweet Jesus, someone couldn't read the numbers.

I almost cried.

I'm not kidding when I say it's damned lucky that the people I encountered on my way out were quick on their feet or I would have run them over and never looked back.

This all happened by noon!

When Hans called to tell me he was on the road and would call me later I told him that I'd locked myself in the house with my sewing machine and, except for my run I was going nowhere.

"I don't care if I have to eat cat food or wipe with sandpaper! Nothing will get me back to that store today!"

And then I remembered that I forgot to buy Gouda cheese.

This is Chlorox's (the gourmand) and my favorite snack, and we share some every evening.

Why do I have the feeling that Hans might be might relieved to be on the road this weekend?

I don't know, you tell me!

Since the inn is experiencing its 'fall' slowdown, I wasn't on the schedule last night and this is what took up too much of my time. I decided to get some sewing done so I dug out my Burda 06-2008-124 that I traced off back in June.

This fabric is a slippery jersey that I purchased in Paris this spring, and since I didn't want to ruin it, I did my homework.

I didn't have a stretch needle so I used a brand new ballpoint. I placed stabilizing paper under the fabric so that the feed dogs wouldn't greedily suck everything into the bowels of my machine, and then I set my stitch to zig-zag.

I was pretty proud of myself when the first couple of seams screamed along slicker than snot.

And then....

... things went straight to hell.

My upper thread kept breaking.

And breaking.

And breaking.

C'mon!! One of the sleeves took about a half an hour to set in place and it should have taken about a minute.

I grabbed some scraps and tested them with both straight and zig-zag stitches and it appears that the zig zag is the problem.

But why?

I've googled until I'm cross-eyed and I still can't find the answer.

Actually, I think I recall having this problem with my machine a long time ago in my first life. I have a Janome New Home 2000 that I bought about 15 years ago when my kids were little. All of a sudden it seemed like every time I did any embroidery with it, the upper thread would shred and the machine would stop. I took it to my dealer and they couldn't find anything wrong with it. (I get the same reaction from my doctor when I tell him about my PMS!).

Now, years later, it appears that I'm having the same issues.

I want to be able to zip a shirt together in an evening and not go through this agony.

Does anyone have any ideas?

Am I supposed to be changing the upper tension?

What happens is my upper thread 'shreds' and then breaks. I've changed needles and the problem continues so I know that's not it. Perhaps something with the back and forth motion of the needle is causing it?

I guess I'll have to take it in to be looked at, but I hate to have to do that, if it's just a matter of my being stupid!

Any help would be greatly appreciated as Sally Stitch cannot stand modeling inferior products!

I'm just a tad upset

I've been working on a new purse...

BUT!!!

BLOGGER WON'T LET ME UPLOAD ANY PICTURES SO I CAN'T SHOW YOU WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING!!!!

I'M VERY UPSET OVER THIS!!!

ACTUALLY I'M FURIOUS!!

IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE TONS OF SPARE TIME TO MESS AROUND, YOU KNOW!!!

DO I HAVE PMS?


WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT????

More than a purse!

Just a quick post about my new purse.

I love it (In case you didn't realize that yet!)!

Anyway, I've been carrying it everywhere and after I tell people that I made it, in response to their comments, they say, "You're kidding! That is the most un-homemade purse I've ever seen!"

I just haven't figured out how to carry it while waitressing. I'm not coordinated enough to carry trays of food on my shoulder while having a purse dangle from my arm.

Damn!

Although after last night and unfortunately tonight that's too bad.

This weekend we have over one hundred golfers staying at the inn. One group celebrated their 50th year of golf weekends with us and they are now down to seven men. Back in the day there were over twenty of them. They however aren't my problem.

My problem is a certain group of fifty-one! They are almost worse than the Red Hat ladies. Someday, when I'm not suffering from PMS (oh yes, it's that time), and I can actually allow Red Hat memories to come to the surface, I will post about them.

But not today.

Anyway, this group of fifty-one all demand separate checks, they don't arrive at the same time instead they just drift in at random all the while ignoring the please wait to be seated sign. One year a man filled his plate at the buffet and then sat down by himself at a table designed to hold 8 people. He refused to move to a smaller table and got the table cloth filthy which meant the entire thing had to be stripped and reset. Not something that you want to do on a hideously busy night! Some are already drunk or making really good progress at getting drunk and because they are sooooo much fun and sooooo witty they shout to you or their friends regardless of the other guests.

And after putting up with their nonsense for hours, they leave a $2.00 tip and this is fine dining! I leave more than that for breakfast!

So, I was thinking that if I could pull a rabbit out of my hat and carry my purse and my tray at the same time, I too could have a good time. Because you see, a brick would fit into that purse perfectly! Just imagine, every time one of those guys pissed me off I could take a swing at their head and they'd never know what hit them!



And there I would be, a sweet, innocent waitress who just happens to be holding a purse to literally die for!!!

I interrupt Paris for this special report!

Much to my horror, I found myself frantically digging through Baby Girl's Easter basket this morning in search of chocolate OF ANY KIND be it stale or not!
Thank God (and my co workers should!) I found a mini Hershey bar.
Myrtle doesn't know that I can see the sun's reflection on her binoculars and I wonder how she'd feel if a 22 pound cat came sailing right through her front window.

I'll let you know.

Full Moon Friday and PMS, Oh My!!!

Is is just me or has anyone else noticed a little more lunacy than normal this week?

Can you say "Full Moon Friday?" Because that's what's coming!

The phone at work has been ringing off the hook with I swear every lunatic in our tri-state region. And why?? why??? do men (or women for that matter) make their spouses call in with service issues and then shout in the background the whole time. One time I actually told a husband to please put his wife on the phone as I couldn't stand to listen to her shriek in the background for another second. His answer was to whisper into the phone, "I can't." And while life can surely be lonely as a single person, that is when I thank God I'm not married to something like that.

Let's see. My daughter called me at work to tell me her brakes smelled like something was burning, and of course she was right! New brakes and a caliper were needed. I worked this in on Saturday before my eye appointment.

Just a couple of days before that I had my fuel oil tank topped off at the unlovely price of $614.00! That very same fuel tank was filled on Jan 3 for around $628.00!

I kid you not!

On Sunday I noticed that Chlorox, my timid little Calico had a lump under her chin and by Tuesday it had tripled in size and was literally seeping! The poor little thing had an abscessed tooth and went into the vet's on Tuesday evening for what I told her was a spa treatment.
Three hundred dollars later (and they were very nice, they didn't charge me for tooth extractions, as 3 of her teeth fell out during the procedure), I have a cat with a much skinnier neck!

During my wait at the vet's they had all kinds of emergencies going on. One cat came in and needed immediate euthanasia, another woman came out of the exam room, whispered something to her husband, and when she went to pay the bill he leaned over to me and said, "It's gonna be a sad night at our place tonight."

The Beast was positive that during Chlorox's absence she was going to be getting Chlorox's food portion.

Not!

I came home at lunch today and decided to work on the small slouch bag that is to be part of my travel gear. In one hour I managed to mistakenly slash through the lining and with seconds to go I opened up the outside zippered pocket (that I added as part of my own design) and watched the zipper tab fly thought the air. I had shortened the zipper and for the first time in my life I didn't zig-zag across the end to secure it and....guess what?

I just remembered that Hans' brother's birthday is the 31st, hence the visit to Switzerland in less than three weeks and I promised Hans that I'd make something for him! Not clothing, but something for his newly remodeled home and I hope to hell he doesn't read this drivel or I am so busted!

And...has anyone besides Myrtle been keeping an eye on the calender?

Oh, yes! PMS and a full moon!


Details at eleven.

















What one does...









After yoga.

Deja Vu?

A conversation overheard at my neighbor's house last night.



"Hey Myrtle, This microwave's been broke for over a week now, when you gettin' us a new one?"

"Listen up Big Spender, I ain't stupid, I've been keepin an eye on the calender you know."

"What are you talking about old woman? You forget to take your medicine again?"

"You remember last month when the crazy neighbor lady threw a TV out her front window?"

"Yeah."

"Well any day now something's gonna come flying outa there and I'm taking my chances on a microwave."

"You know what, old woman? You ain't so senile after."

I hear voices, and one belongs to my dress form

So I get home tonight and I'm trying to get into my sewing room but Sally Stitch has barricaded herself in there along with my computer, sewing machine, and cats.

She says I'm unstable. (Just because when I went home for lunch, I kicked the computer and threatened to sell the cats to a chinese restaurant).

So I'm pounding on the door, screaming at her to unlock it, when I hear a commercial on the TV that gets my attention."

...racing thoughts, severe mood swings, bursts of energy followed by bouts of exhaustion."

I realize that it's a pharmaceutical commercial describing my symptoms to a T. I fall to my knees in front of the TV praying that FINALLY the drug companies have turned over a new leaf. Instead of manufacturing yet one more drug for men who have problems (ahem) performing that just maybe, they've come up with a drug, for women crippled by PMS, that won't cause cancer, pack on an extra 50 pounds, or give us a five o'clock shadow at two in the afternoon.

"...you may be bipolar."

???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess what my neighbors are saying tonight.

"Hey Myrtle, the neighbor lady just threw a TV out her front window."

And Myrtle will reply,"Ooh, must be bad this time, last month it was her toaster oven."

Sally Stitch

(Her days may be numbered)

Danger Zone, Do Not Enter

PMS came roaring into town like a bitch on wheels last night.


Hans left a jet stream in his wake when he fled my house this morning.


The cats are hiding under the bed and won't come out.


Let the good times roll.