Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Back in the saddle again.

I started back at my waitressing job last week and I was relieved to find that not much had changed. I work at an historic old inn and in addition to many dining and banquet rooms, it has 75 rooms available for overnight guests. It closes down right before Christmas (giving me about a day and a half to get my shopping done) and re-opens in the middle of April. Even though I also have a full time job, those three months off feel like a vacation.

Almost all of the regular staff has returned and that makes me happy as I really like our group of servers. Cassie, one of the waitresses, is possibly the horniest woman I've ever met and she greeted me with an offer to goose me, "two times if you want, Honey!"
She disappeared into a different dining room and Vicki stomped in and said, "Jesus Christ, is this going to be a repeat of last year?" I knew exactly what she was talking about but I made her tell me anyway.
Flinging her arm in the direction of Cassie's departing back she said, "Cassie came up to welcome me back and gave me a big hug and then wrapped her legs around my waist!"

I started to laugh and she continued, "And then she lifted her skirt and 'offered' me some! Why does she do that?"

I told her I wasn't sure why, but I do know that she has an 'old man' at home, as everyone in Cassie's family, including her sixteen year old daughter has an 'old man'. Maybe quantity or quality is missing in Cassie's sex life, I suggested to Vicki , and at least I got a smile out of her.

This, being our first week open, has been fairly busy despite the economy, but things were a little slow last Friday night. However that turned out to be a good thing because I ended up with a party of 8 and they monopolized a lot of my time.

They were a group of professors consisting of a normal looking couple, two very quiet men, a very nice gay man, an Einstein look-a-like, an angry woman, and a nun.

Why does this sound like the start of a joke?

I asked if this was going to be all on one check and immediately everyone started pointing at people across from them or beside them and one brilliant individual stated "Bob's on my check." Like I was supposed to know who 'Bob' was.

Higher education indeed.

One gentleman who was taking care of four of the checks ordered a bottle of wine. His reply to my question of whether I was to bring four glasses was, "No, only three, she's a nun." And he pointed to a tall woman wearing a severe black suit. No wonder nuns are so frustrated. It would appear that they have to follow a whole different set of rules than priests, but then I'm not catholic so what the hell do I know!

They were a talkative group and when I urged them to go to the salad bar they told me that they were in no hurry and wanted to 'feel the love'. I immediately informed the chef to hold their order until I gave him the ok to proceed.

I eavesdropped on a lively discussion about gays and a US president who'd apparently been flagrantly gay. I still have no idea which one it was since I didn't overhear that part of the conversation. But it must have been back in the days before Geraldo Rivera or CNN and has been conveniently left out of our history books.

No matter where the conversation veered, the angry woman would jerk it back to civil rights and she was still furious that there was a time when blacks were denied voting privileges. She was by far the most difficult member of the group to wait on and was very imperious with me. If I poured water in someone's glass and not hers, she would wait until I walked away and then in a very loud voice she would say "Excuse me! May I please have some water?" even though her glass was full. After three separate incidents like this I made sure I poured the missing teaspoon of water back in her glass every time I walked by.
Finally, they must have 'felt enough love' and caught me by surprise by running for the salad bar lickity split and were done in no time flat! I raced for the kitchen and told the chef to hurry up with my order. I then informed the group that their entrees would be out shortly and confessed that I'd purposefully held their orders back because I knew that they didn't want to be rushed.

The angry lady snapped at me, "Then why did HE get HIS food already!"(It's called an appetizer dear, and they come out first, I didn't say!!) and she pointed at the gay man. "Because I asked her to!" He replied, and as I walked away I heard him cheerfully say, "Sweetie, you can catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar, and you've been a bitch all night."

"Oh," She sniffed. And the entire table erupted with laughter.

I was topping off their water glasses and almost dropped my pitcher, when from out of nowhere the nun started a very loud and graphic discourse about foreplay, orgasms and barbed penis's.

I kid you not!

As a waitress, I've been privy to a lot of weird conversations but this one takes the cake. As the rest of the 'love in' crowd enthusiastically joined in the discussion with their own clinical views on 'the carnal act of sex', I shot behind the wait station and tried not to squeak, which is what I tend to do if I can't laugh out loud.

Just then Vicki barrelled around the corner, "Jesus Christ, do you hear what the hell they're talking about out there? They whole dining room is listening!"

I yanked her back into the kitchen so no one could hear us, and when I told her that the speaker was a nun she almost choked.

"I thought only the priests were perverts!" She hissed. And then with a look of horror she said, "Oh my God, what if Cassie'd waited on them tonight!"

We both cracked up at that thought because Cassie, who, as I stated before, has sex on the brain 24/7, has been known to flirt and/or say off color remarks at the most inappropriate times to some of the most inappropriate guests if she thinks it will enhance her tip. She probably would have wet her panties at this blatantly sexual conversation and I'm quite sure that she would have envisioned an orgy in her future.

I peeked back out into the dining room and one of the party members was demonstrating how a male forces the female into submission by sinking his teeth into her neck.

"I have a feeling," I said to Vicki, "that Cassie would've ended up in a cage back at their lab. Wouldn't she be a fascinating study?"

But I'm thankful that they didn't take her because I'd hate to lose a good waitress.

And one never knows when one might need a goose.


Mary Witzl said...

Laura, this is just wonderful on so many levels!

I used to be a waitress too, and you and I could swap some stories. One of the things I LOVED about waitressing was being able to eavesdrop. This is tougher to do when you're very busy, but when you aren't, the pickings are just fabulous.

Cassie is brilliant. I used to work with a lady like that -- she had a mild form of Tourette's. There's a man in our town who does this too and it can be very worrying. When they told you they wanted to feel the love, you should have sent them Cassie straight away...

That angry woman? Her name is legion. I've waited on countless people like that; quick to find offense, quick to point out that someone else has been served first. Waitressing is super experience if you're thinking of becoming a mother; hungry people are like kids.

Katie Alender said...

Good heavens, I felt like I was reading some bad dream!

You poor woman! Or is it fun?

laura said...

Oh Mary, the things I've heard! But I will admit that when I overhear a confidential conversation (school board meetings etc...)I will never repeat one word! And as for kids? At least we can slap them upside the head!!
Katie, waitressing is like childbirth, hell to go through but aways good for a story, especially to those who've yet to experience it!

Mary Witzl said...

It is funny: I LOVE eavesdropping for the fun of it -- the conversational dynamics, the interesting anecdotes -- but I am one of the most discreet people I know and I have grown to hate gossip. I could really dish out the dirt on a lot of people in this town, for instance, but I won't do it. But I do reserve the right to play with their stories until they are virtually unrecognizable and turn them into fiction. That's what being a writer is all about.

And I completely share your views on childbirth. I've heard a few women say they'd never do anything as crass as talk about the experience of labor. Why the hell not? Why go through something like that if you can't talk about it later? I've never understood that reasoning.

Angelia said...

Are you serious!!!! lol!
I wish I could post stories I've got about the spa so far... I have a feeling I get 'checked up' on though!!

laura said...

Mary, you're right! I could run a pretty lucrative black mail operation in my little town if I so chose! And I'm amazed at the local married men who think that our place is somehow far removed from civilization and dare to show up for dinner with some bimbo! It's difficult BUT I keep my big mouth shut!
Angelia, no one at my restaurant knows about my blog (but I've changed their names just in case) and they probably wouldn't recognize themselves anyway!

Bald Man said...

Ya gotta love retail....Dont worry about Angies work stories I am going to post them on my blog!
I have already cast Danny Devito to play the roll of "White Trash with Money", her boss at Hoochie Mamas and Haircuts..

LauraLo said...

Ha ha you had me nearly faint with laughter here!