Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Open mouth, insert foot, and A CONTEST!

Haven't we all, at one time or another, said or done, something completely inappropriately?

Like ask someone when she's due, and she isn't even pregnant?

Or send a scathing letter to a business (like my girlfriend did) about the poor service she received and then name the wrong employee in the complaint?

I recently went back home to get my hair cut and colored, but my beautician was going to be out of town, and she asked would I mind if her sister did it instead.

No problem, I've known all of them forever and I actually worked with their mother for several years.

Now this is a family of three women who are the sweetest people you'll ever meet, but they share a gene that causes them to say and do things, that in retrospect, are just awful!

And while they know it, they just can't help it.

My three hour appointment was spent laughing myself silly at the stories Sister Judy shared with me. Some examples:

The time Judy (who is from a very small town) went to the local funeral home for a viewing. She spent a great deal of time visiting with neighbors and acquaintances as she worked her way through the reception line, but when she got to the casket she blurted out, "Oh my gosh, I don't know this person, who is it?"

She was at the wrong funeral home.

Judy once ran into someone who had a very odd last name and she said, "Oh I remember graduating with So-and-So who has the same last name as you!" "That's my sister," stated the lady. "Oh, what ever happened to that baby she had when we were in High School?" Judy asked. The lady said, "I'm that baby, my grandmother raised me and my mother became my sister."

Top that!

But guess what? It gets better.

Back in the day, we all used to order our birthday cakes etc... from a handful of local ladies who baked and decorated cakes from their homes. We all had our favorite bakers, and Kathy (Judy's sister, and my beautician) had placed an order with her particular cake lady, and she was to pick it up in the late afternoon. This was during a time right after three devastating tornadoes had ripped through three of our small towns within minutes of each other. The results had been deadly, many people died, and we all knew or worked with someone affected by them.

Anyway, Kathy's mom heard the tornado warning come over the radio and it was in the area where Kathy was to pick up her cake. In a panic Kathy's mom felt it her mission to call the cake lady in order to warn her about the coming tornado.

The lady had no idea who Kathy's mother was.

Kathy's mom once again went over the details and the cake lady said, "Your daughter didn't order a cake from me.
"That's when Kathy's mother realized she'd called the wrong lady. "Oh thank God!" She exclaimed, "I never liked your cakes anyway!"
There are zillions of more stories but I'll stop here.
At dinner time that night, I tried to tell Hans all the stories I had heard. But when I got to the cake episode tears were running down my face, I started squeaking, and I was literally lying across the kitchen table. Hans got that 'deer in the headlights' look and I think he may have feared for my sanity.
Holidays can be stressful (how well I remember the Christmas Eve I spent alone while my kids were with their dad and his girlfriend!), so I'd like to approach this season with some humor.
Leave a comment on this post and the winner will receive a wine bag made by me. I'd love it if you would share something you've said or done that was sooooo bad, you still cringe! Or maybe you've heard a horrible story from someone else.
Even if you don't have a story just leave a comment that you want in on the contest.
I'm pretty easy!

The winner receives one of these wine totes. Either the wine cask theme or the kitty. You choose!

It can hold two wine bottles. Or you can use it as a lunch tote, although it's not insulated.

Actually you could put your knitting supplies in it too. Or maybe a pair of shoes!!

How about bubble bath on one side and a big candle on the other.

It has a seam that's sewn halfway up from the bottom that creates a kind of division in the bag. This is what keeps bottles from clanking together.

This is what it looks like on the bottom. It's pleated so it will stand up easily.

Here's the kitty version.

This is what it looks like when empty.

It folds flat.

Leave a comment by Wednesday, December 9th at 12:00 PM (lunch time) EST in the U.S.

The Countess von Chlorox will make a decision that evening and she's looking forward to it.

This month I'm suffering from one of the worst PMS episodes I've ever experienced (last night I found myself furious at Hans because he doesn't share the same taste in movies as me! His comment to me; "I can't wait for you to find a use for those tampons!" Pretty harsh for Hans!!!!) and I need to laugh at something or I might end up in jail.

Make me laugh, please!!!!


Katie Alender said...

My worst foot in mouth story is so bad I can't even tell it in public. Maybe I'll send you a private email. Seriously it is bad. And my second worst is almost as bad.

What do I have that's fit for public consumption... hmm.

How about a story about my husband? Several weeks ago, we went out to dinner at a very nice steakhouse. At nine p.m., they have live music upstairs in the bar. Down in the dining room, it just sounds like the cruise ship pulled into port--"Brown-Eyed Girl," etc. So the waitress comes to the table, and my husband says, "Who is responsible for this noise that is assaulting my ears?" and the waitress says, "Oh, that's my father. He plays in the bar at night."

And of course we're all like, "Oh, he's so talented!"

It may have been the first and last time my husband has ever been speechless.

laura said...

Who would have thought?? But what a nice save!

Here's one of mine, and The Countess has warned me that since this is my blog I can't win anything. I was once stuck in line at the pharmacy because the lady who was being waited on had everything all goofed up. It took forever to get her straightened around and I bitterly complained to the woman in front of me that I hated it when stupid people caused so much trouble blah, blah, blah. When the trouble maker was finally done, she turned to the lady I'd been bitching to and said, "Are you ready?" And the lady in front of me said, "Yes, Mom." And after giving me a very dirty look, they left!

Schwang said...

Your stories are too funny! Unfortunately, I can't think of anything right now which can compare...

laura said...

Schwang, I'd say you're a lot smarter than me!!! But that's not such a difficult thing to be!

cdziuba said...

Love it! Who hasn't had a disastrous Foot in Mouth story!

dlynthomas said...

Oh these are to funny! I don't have anything that would come near to these...I do love the totes!

Mary Witzl said...

I'm with Katie: wild horses wouldn't drag mine from me. I think I was born with that gene too, and it has been a sore trial. I am essentially a kind person.

Way back when, I did a temp job in an advertising agency in New York. The people I worked with were not pleasant and I am sorry to say that they did nothing to improve my opinion about the depths people will stoop to in advertising. At a Christmas party, I made the mistake of sharing my feelings with my new sister-in-law. My husband swears he'd told me she worked in advertising, but I could not remember. To this day, she won't speak to me and no wonder: I seem to remember 'spawn of the devil' was one of the terms I used.

Now just imagine the stories I can't share with you and pity me, please. I'll be back to share more stories. It's too painful to shower you with them all in one go, but believe me, I've got the goods.

laura said...

Mary, I guess that's one way to avoid the in-laws! A bit drastic though. You're more than welcome to email me with your horror stories, I promise I can keep a secret (Katie sent me hers and while they are hysterical I will never tell!!!).

Patty said...

Oh those stories are just to funny. I especially loved the story of the funeral.

BeeBee said...

I'm with Katie, I can't tell mine in public. It was REALLY bad and almost cost me my job. Actually, I'm not sure it actually happened, I may have been set up. But it was BAD.
But I will tell you about someone elses, to me. And the most back-handed age insult I've ever been handed.
I was waiting for a friend at a bar and went ahead and ordered. Despite being over 40 at the time, I was carded. The waitress looked at my license and just handed it back and walked off. When she came back with my drink she said, "Did your license say you were born in 19XX?" Me, "yes... why"? Waitress, "Oh, I just can't believe you're that old. You don't look nearly old enough to be born in 19XX, wow, really." Well, you can imagine that my youthful looking head was swelling quite quickly by now. I was feeling good. Then, out of no where came the punch. From behind, where I wasn't even looking, when she then said, "because my dad was born in 19XX-1 and I just can't believe you're old enough to be my mom. Huh" And wandered off why I scraped my self esteem off the sticky barroom floor. **sigh**
But you don't need to include me in the drawing. I should let someone else have the REALLY nice bag you make. And we know how much the Countess favors me.

laura said...

BeeBee, Nothing like getting the wind knocked out of your sails! One night last year when I was waitressing at the inn, I was working the dinner theater which can be very busy, and I had a table with a man who thought he was extra special funny. He never left me alone and at one point he said to me, "You're what? 45 years old?" And I know he thought he was shaving 10 years off of my age which means he thought I was 55. Well I was 48 and deep down I really was insulted but I just rolled with it. I came to a complete stop, leaned over the table, and said, "I'm 35!" His wife nearly turned green, and as I walked away I heard her say to him, "Would you just shut the hell up!"
Oh, revenge!

cstironkat said...

One of the boys asked me what Reptile Dysfunction was after seeing a commercial for one of the men's products at a restaurant. The whole place was laughing. Why do they put those commercials on during sporting events?!

Carolyn said...

I can't think of anything that could top the previous stories. I try to stay away from things like that. However, I do love your bags.