Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Never Ending Story Finally Ends.

We finally got home from Boston late Sunday night.
So, you wonder, how did the rest of the trip go? I mean it was only for one week end, right?
If you're just now tuning in you might want to read this post first, and then this one.
I'll try to keep it brief. That makes it less painful for all of us.
Actually, Sunday was a very nice day. It was cold but sunny, and with no snow or rain we were able to walk all over Rockport.

Then we went to the airport.

We heard a commotion when we were dropping our car off at Avis Rentals and realized that the problem was with us. Just what had we done to the car? Where were we when the damage occurred, they asked. What damage, we asked.
And they showed us.
The back bumper was all scuffed up and dented and the rear tail light was broke. Just guess whose side of the car it was on?
I know they didn't believe us but we had no idea when it occurred. It was most likely the night before when we parked in a parking lot and that side of the car was exposed. Much paper signing followed.
Once into the airport we headed to security. Surely we wouldn't have any problems I hoped.


The little ticket taker, who was bitching because he'd been working for a whole hour without a break, scribbled all over my boarding pass and Hans' boarding pass thus sealing our fate.
Were were literally swarmed by gloved, security personnel. Three to each of us. We were groped, our luggage was massaged, cell phones were wiped down, and coats shook out. They were kind enough to ask me if I wanted privacy before making me spread eagle in front of all the other passengers. I told them to go right on ahead. Why should I be the only one to enjoy it.
If only the airlines would employ OB-GYNs I could have gotten my pap smear out of the way while we were at it.
Released yet once again, we went to the bar for a much needed beer and got carded.
Yes, carded.
"I'd be flattered," Hans said reaching for his wallet "if this weren't so ludicrous.

Finally we were on the plane.
I was buckling up when Hans started to laugh and told me to take a look at the pilot.
I leaned to the side. All I could see was a little kid.
"Where?" I asked.
Hans pointed to the little kid.
"He can't be the pilot," I gasped.
Hans shrugged. "He has five stripes, so he must know what he's doing."
"I don't care if he has five stripes, any idiot can get something like that from a costume store. For God's sake, I had a nurses outfit when I was a little kid!"
"You did?" Hans asked. "Do you still have it?" He asked hopefully.
I told him to be quiet as the boy wonder up front was saying something.

"Hey everyone! I'm JimBob and I'll be your pilot tonight." His voice cracked.
"We're gonna have a really great flight, we have clear skys and should arrive at our destination in about an hour and ten minutes. (Unless Laura's on board and then you might want to check that there fine print!).
"Hey! Did you notice you all have your own TVs? Isn't that neat! So if your watching the game tonight be sure to keep me posted on the score."
"You just get your butt in that cockpit and fly this damn plane you little stinker!" Is what I wanted to yell but wisely held my tongue.
Once in flight he didn't make me feel any better when he kept interrupting our TV watching to announce that while he knew we were suffering from turbulence, he had no idea why! (Fine print!).
After we landed, JimBob said, "On behalf of Blah Blah Airlines I would like to thank you for flying with us....and..." snort, giggle "I forgot what I was going to say!" More laughing. "Oh, yeah, if you have to pick up checked luggage you'll need to go to carousel K...that's K as in KRIPTONIIIIITE, if your a Superman fan like I am."

I kid you not!

As we climbed into Hans' car to go home he sighed and said "God, I hope I don't have to fly to Australia next month."
Wiggling happily in the seat next to him I said "Oooh, Australia, can I go?"

Have you ever seen a grown man cry?


Bald Man said...

This story left me in tears giggling.Great job. I hope your boat purchase went well.I am going to put a link to your blog on mine if its OK with you. Dont expect many people to link over since I have had to make my blog an "invite only" blog. And yes that is a blog topic in itself. I know you have checked on it in the past if terminal boredom sets in and you want to look in again just send my beautiful belly dancer your e-mail or just put it in a follow up comment and I will "invite" you. Dont worry no security devices and you wont be "carded"...Take care of your Bald man..signed Her Bald Man

joan harvest said...

I just read your posts about going to and from Boston and was sitting here laughing way too much. Those stories were so funny and well written. I haven't flown in 23 years. I don't like to fly and remind me never to fly with you. :-)