Saturday, June 28, 2008

Psst, I'm busting outa here! Are you with me?

There was yet one more jail break in the little swamp town where I grew up.
My mother told me all about it when I called her the other day. Now, the town I grew up in may be tiny but it certainly boasts its fair share of drama and trauma.

I realize that my mother called it a jail break but really it was more like an escape from a halfway house. Apparently some time during the night, Smokey (yes, that's his name) made a successful break for freedom. That in itself wasn't so surprising as this wasn't the first time he'd pulled that stunt, but what was shocking was that Thelma Louise made the break with him.

This halfway house takes in just about anyone who's had some tough breaks and can't quite cope on their own. Unfortunately some of the residents tire of being taken care of, forget what the big bad world is like, and then scare the living daylights out of everyone by taking off.

It was the warden who, arising at around 5:30 am, found that a screen door had been pried open and realized there had been an escape. He notified the matron, who was not happy at all.

"Goddammit!" she said. "I'm getting tired of this. I say let them go!" And then immediately got dressed to go search for them.

They were pretty sure they knew where Smokey would go. He liked to hang out with a bunch of disreputable, inbreds from down the street, but Thelma Louise had them baffled. Thelma, who dislikes Smokey, hates all women, and has serious hots for the warden (she's been found sitting on the his lap more than anyone cares to admit) definitely wouldn't want to hang out with the Deliverance crowd.

So the warden and the matron split up and each went in a different direction. It took a while until the matron finally found Thelma Louise, hiding under a neighbors porch!

Oh, she was in a state. Forgetting her dislike of the matron, and crying pitiously she threw herself into the matron's arms. It was all Smokey's fault! He had talked her into it! He knew where they could get some 'good stuff' down the street! She'd never leave again!

Upon arriving home, Thelma shoved herself away from the matron and flung herself onto the warden where she buried her head in his chest.

The warden patted her on the back and assured Thelma that everything would be okay.

The matron snorted with disgust.

The warden said he'd gone down the street but noticed that it had been unusually quiet. Only a couple of scurvy characters were lurking about, and with shifty eyes not a one would fess up to having seen Smokey.

"You know damn well he's down there." said the matron.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Asked the warden. He was still patting Thelma Louise's back and Thelma Louise was smugly shooting dirty triumphant looks at the matron.

"You can start by sending her to her room! And I don't care if that bastard ever comes back!" She then spent the rest of the day worrying about him.

It was with heavy hearts that the warden and matron retired that night because Smokey was still missing.

At around eight the next morning there was a pounding at the door and when the warden opened it, Smokey blew in demanding breakfast!

"Oh my God, where have you been?" The matron cried.

"I thought you didn't care if he ever came back." The warden observed.

"Don't you worry about what I said!" The matron snapped while she bustled around the kitchen getting Smokey's breakfast.


"I was so embarrassed." my mother said. "Joe from the farm down the road called me this morning and asked "is your little kitty okay?"

He said he'd heard a commotion during the night and when he looked out into his yard, he could see some of his big barn cats had a little tiger cat trapped up against his house.

"I figured it was your little gal." He said. "I could see she had on a sparkly collar."

Just so you know, my mother's little tiger cat, Thelma Louise, has a pink collar with the words "Rock Star" spelled out in rhinestones.

Apparently, the big cats had wicked designs on the little Rock Star, but Thelma had hysterics and the farmer said she managed to escape, virtue intact, and went bounding off into the night.

My mother assured him that all was well and then the phone rang again.

This time it was her good friend who lives down the street in the opposite direction of the farm, but far too close to the inbreds.

"I'm furious!" Friend exploded. "I went to get in my car this morning and it looks like a bunch of cats held an orgy on it! It was covered in gross stuff and there's cat hair all over it!"

"Oh?" was my mothers timid response because she knew that somehow, Smokey, her big muscle bound, grey cat, had most likely played a part in the fun and games.

Friend continued,"I wish the Stovers would get rid of that damned catnip they're growing. Every stray cat in town hangs out here now, and I could swear I saw your big gray cat down here." She said accusingly.

"Oh not my Smokey." Said Mom, who's just a little intimidated by Friend. "Why he's right here." She glared at the little bastard who had just shoved Kissy Poo, the cowardly doberman, out of her own food dish. Smokey prefers dog food over cat food.

I told Mom that since Smokey is 'fixed' I'm sure he had nothing to do with the debauchery that took place on her friends car.

"He's a man isn't he?" She retorted. "The dirty little bastard probably watched!"

So that's it folks! Who needs to go to the Big City for gang rape, prison breaks, and orgies when you can find them right in your own little swamp town, back yard?

Just pull up a lawn chair, but please, bring your own popcorn.

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