Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Someone's wubbin' me the wong way!!!!!

Dear God!!! I told Hans that all I blog about are purses and snow! So I've decided to change course tonight and take a trip down memory lane.

Have any of you seen the new Geico commercial featuring Elmer Fudd?

Well, Hans has taken to talking like him now and then, just to get a rise out of me.

This is because the first time I saw the commercial, he almost had to peel me off the ceiling.

You see, once upon a time I worked with Elmer Fudd, well not really Elmer Fudd, but close enough.

And in no way was it fun.

Anyway it was over twenty years ago, and I was employed at a very chauvinistic utility company doing 'mens' work at 'womens' wages. Meaning my coworker and I were vastly underpaid.

We had recently acquired an independent company from way out in the sticks (I've often said I thought a woodchuck was their mayor) and I'd been warned that the chief engineer from this company was an Elmer Fudd clone.

I took this information with a grain of salt as I did with everything I heard in the churning gossip mill of my workplace. Here are some examples: From the men in my office on any visitor of the female persuasion, "She's so hot!!!!" translated into, "She weighs under 200 pounds."
From the women on male visitors who weren't decked out in flannel shirts, "He's gorgeous!!!" meant, "He wears a suit, yet reeks of sweat and cigarettes."

But I have to admit I was grateful for the warning because the day finally arrived when Elmer Fudd 'aka' Rich (Wich) entered the picture.

And he brought his wife.

I was at my desk and very intent over the engineering prints that I interpreted on a daily basis when I felt a presence beside me.

I looked up and there stood someone I'd never met. This someone was wearing a moss green leisure suit (I hadn't seen one of those since my junior prom some 20 years before), a green work shirt (similar to what my dad wore to the construction site) and a thick white knit tie that bore an uncomfortable resemblance to a neck brace.

I was puzzled as I worked in a building where 'employees only' entered and we seldom received visitors.

Then neck brace man said, "My name's Wich, and I'm the new Enguneeaw (engineer) fwum Widgewund (Ridgeland). (OMG what is it with me and people who can't pronounce their 'R's?)

I felt my face go scarlet and I was immediately thankful a thousand times over that I'd been warned about Wich or I may have thought this whole thing was a colossal joke and actually laughed in his face.

While I frantically collected my thoughts, Wich introduced his very tall wife Sawwy (Sally), who looked like she'd gone zing zing zing around her mouth with her fuchsia lipstick as it was not only on her lips but on her teeth, and on the skin around the entire perimeter of her mouth. And thanks to the too short length of her skirt I had to force my eyes away from her legs as she had some of the worst varicose veins I'd ever seen (I met her one more time and that story may turn into a future post).

After a shaky hello I learned that not only had Wich gone to cowwege and got a degwee in enginewwing, but that his wife was tall, her brothers were tall, her father was tall ,and all of them (with the exception of Sawwy who was still breathing) had to have their caskets custom made to accommodate their excessive length.

By the time they left my desk I was a sweaty mess and my head was pounding.

But I grew to hate Wich.

With a vengeance.

Wich's salary was about three times as much as mine.

He didn't know what he was doing, but what the hell! As long as I did his job for him, who cared?

And that's not an exaggeration.

There were 'rumors' that Wich had been in 'intelligence' during The War.

I immediately put the kibosh to that as the only war Wich was age worthy of was the Vietnam War and he'd have been around twenty when it ended. I seriously doubt he was even potty trained by then.

"Wich has the mind of a steel trap." This from one of the men in the 'field' who loved Wich (and hated me) because with Wich at the helm, the men in the field used to be able to run amok, do what they pleased, and no one knew the difference.

"That trap rusted shut along time ago!" I shouted at this particular red neck.

But one day I finally figured it out.

Wich wasn't brilliant and Wich wasn't intelligent (I'll never forget the time he told me his pwegnant daughter was due on the thootieth or thooty foost of Febuawwy!).

Not in the least.

But luckily for good old Wich, his grandmother owned the utility that was bought by my company. You see, back in the 90's someone realized there was money to be made in communications and deregulation, and all of a sudden we were all out for progress.

Tiny companies, run by tiny families couldn't even begin to meet PUC (public utility commission) standards and had to sell out to the Big Boys. These little families suddenly found themselves wealthy beyond belief when they were each bought out for a million dollars!!!

A million dollars to people who strung wires through trees and kept pigs in the backyard.

But wouldn't you know it would be my luck that some damned grandmother would figure out that her grandson Wich wouldn't be able to get a job wiping his own butt, so she specified: "You can buy my antiquated wires but you must promise my grandson Wich (the stupidest man on the face of the earth) a job for life (and at a horribly inflated wage) or I will hold out for more money!

Well in the winter of 1999 my department went south (literally) and I lost my job.

But guess who didn't.

That wascially wabbit!!!!!


becki-c said...

LOL! I love reading your posts! I could have written this myself!

Schwang said...

You have such a way of making things so funny. So Elmer Fudd is based on a real person?

Kathi D said...

Oh lord. I don't think I could have made it in that job. I would have snapped!

Rick gets my goat by doing the voice from "Sling Blade." I love that movie, but I don't want him talking like it!

laura said...

Becki, this is why I don't work in an office anymore! I prefer to clean toilets!
Schwang, honestly, if I didn't find humor in awful situations I'd have wound up in the psych ward a long time ago. And I don't think Elmer Fudd was a real person but if he was I certainly worked with his descendant.
Kathi, I love Billy Bob Thornton but I wouldn't be able to handle the Sling Blade thing!!!