Communicating whilst one is away

How on earth did people travel abroad before the advent of cell phones or laptops.

Honest to God, we've been emailed, texted, and called ever since we left home, and only a few were actually necessary or relevant. I myself warned my kids that they were only allowed to call (or text) us in the event of an emergency. Emails were ok but they also had to understand I might not get them for a day or so.

This is what's gone on so far this trip.

An email from Vet Tech Girl (who's caring for Wilbur): Wilbur threw up. He's probably excited about playing with Duncan. I'll clean it up.

An email from Baby Girl: Evi is very sick and at the hospital. So far the bill is $400.00. (Note: Baby Girl spells her cat's name Evi after Evgeny Malkin, a hockey player. I call the cat Evvy or Evelyn just to piss Baby Girl off). Hans wants to know what the hell kind of services cost $400.00. I tell him not to ask.

I zip off a quick email to Vet Tech Girl: Hans was talking to Nasty Neighbor the morning we were leaving and he warned us that he has poison all over his property because of raccoons. He also said he had to have his dog put to sleep because too many people in the neighborhood have gotten dogs (you know he meant us!) and his dog couldn't handle the stress!

Vet Tech Girl emails back that Wilbur is fine, Neighbor is an asshole, and she's sure that her roommate's dog Molly (who is a spoiled ankle biting screamer) is the one that upset poor Butterscotch the now dead dog! Also Duncan and Miley (Duncan's squeeze, a pretty little daschund) love Wilbur's big beef bone. They've left bone chips all over the place. She will clean it up.

I email Vet Tech Girl and warn her that Wilbur is only allowed to chew the beef bone on his pad.

Vet Tech Girl replies: He keeps it on the pad but Duncan and Miley don't. I'll clean up it up.

Baby Girl emails that her old boyfriend/stalker is going to put new brakes, rotors, wiper blades, and a headlight on our car in order to help it pass inspection, and am I willing to pay for it.

My answer: Only if he knows what he's doing and why on earth are you talking to him???

Last Friday Hans received two texts at the same time. One said, "We're at Evi's" and the next one said, "Evi died this morning."
Now here is a bit of a coincidence. You see, Hans' Aunt Eva goes by a nickname pronounced as Ayfee but is spelled Evi. Baby Girl's cat's name is spelled Evi so poor Hans almost had to sit down when Baby Girl deemed the death of Evi the Cat as Text worthy as opposed to Email worthy and sent her message at the same time Hans' Baby Brother sent his text as he wanted us to know he'd arrived at Aunt Evi's house.

I'm the only one who found this to be morbidly funny.

I did get a follow up email that an autopsy on Evi the Cat is being performed. I told Hans not to worry when he asked if autopsies are free.

A recent email from Vet Tech Girl went like this: What the hell have you been feeding Wilbur? He has the shits! I told you only 10% of his diet should be liver and you've got it at about 50%!!! I'll clean up the mess. BTW his beef bone is really starting to stink!! Signed, your loving daughter.

From me to Vet Tech Girl: Dear rotten ungrateful daughter, Wilbur never had the shits until you started watching him! Put the bone outside.

From Vet Tech Girl: Oops I have no idea how Wilbur got a hold of one of your sandals but I don't think anyone will notice the heel. I threw it in your bedroom. Sorry.

Me to Vet Tech Girl: I woke up this morning here in Germany and could have sworn Chlorox was walking on me (sometimes I get these premonitions). Would you please make sure she's still alive.

Vet Tech Girl to me: She's been screaming her head off, she's fine.

Vet Tech Girl again: Wilbur is a naughty boy. He thinks he's allowed to see what's on the counters. BTW, I've been diagnosed as bipolar and listed you as my emergency contact.

Me to Vet Tech Girl: When the hell did Wilbur get tall enough to counter surf?

Hans was concerned about the bipolar business. What did they call it before they had a name for it, he wanted to know. They called it being a bitch, was my reply and I'll deal with that nonsense when I get home.

I have to say though that this email is my favorite. It had no text, just this picture. That's Duncan, Wilbur, and the little lady on the bottom is Duncan's woman Miley. I only wish she hadn't used her flash as they all look possessed!

Years ago my best friend went on vacation to Aruba with her boyfriend. She told her kids that under no circumstances were they to call her. Even if they broke a leg, "It would be set before I could even get home anyway, SO DON'T YOU DARE CALL!"

I remember being very shocked and thought she was being callous but I have to say after this trip I'm in total agreement with her!!!

A quick update on our Germany/London trip. And my dress

It's been a very busy and hectic week and hasn't been made any easier with the constant fear of whether the volcanic cloud will decide to wreak her power over us.

We were lucky to be able to fly into Heathrow from Hamburg, Germany yesterday as the airports had been shut down the day before! It was a bit unsettling to see a normally busy place so very quiet.

Anyway we are currently in Leeds (Hans has business here) and will leave for London (by train) tomorrow so we can be totally irritating tourists for three days!



Once again I didn't account for the cooler weather that happens over here and I didn't pack enough warm clothes. Saturday's wedding started with a boat ride to the church and I had nothing dressy to put over my 'afternoon' dress. Luckily when we went to pick up Hans' tux we stumbled upon a used clothing store and just as I was ready to give up I found something that would work. Unfortunately it cost 50 euro!! Ouch. I don't even want to see my credit card bill.

It's a shame you can't see the dress (I didn't make it but I did get it on sale and it was a lot cheaper than the 'used' jacket).

My used jacket! Thank God we found it because it really was a chilly and windy day.

The red carpet treatment at the reception that evening.

This is the dress I made.

Hans in his tux. The store in Hamburg only had one shirt in his size.

A finished evening gown!!!!!!!

Today was a beautiful day. The sky was clear and blue, the air cool, the sun warm.

At least that's what I've been told.

Unfortunately I never set foot outside the apartment (except for Wilbur's early morning pee) until this evening when I finally unchained myself from the sewing machine.

This is because I'm the queen of procrastinators and even though I hate being that way, I think I'm going to have to resign myself to it.

Hemming this bias cut dress was very time consuming. I hand basted around the entire bottom edge (to hold it in place) and then pressed it.

I measured an inch up on the turned under hem, and added another row of basting. This was on the turned under part only! Not on the actual dress.

The second line of basting was added so the hem could be eased before hemming.

After easing the hem I applied some iron on hem tape at the very edge of the turned up hem. My mother wasn't sure if she approved of 'iron on' hem tape but I assured her it would be on the hem allowance only!

I then sewed the hem in place by hand.

You can see the border print showing in the bottom corner here. Since this dress was cut on the bias, one lower corner ended up with this darker print.

That's why I added the border print to the opposite side of the dress on the bodice in the photo above this one.

I have no idea if this makes sense but I like the asymmetrical look to it.

When I finished hemming the dress, I dug out a jacket pattern (I can't remember which one it is and I'm too tired right now to look) and made this.

Just in case it's chilly next weekend I'll at least have my arms covered.

We leave for Europe Wednesday morning.

I still have to pack.

I don't even know if I have shoes for some of my outfits!

Vet Tech Girl is going to watch Wilbur for us and I have to grind up a two week batch of chicken meat, bones, livers, and egg shells.

I just realized I have nothing to read on this trip so I have to hit the library.

My silk cocktail dress is missing a lining and needs to be hemmed.

I have no one to blame but myself!

All evening long we've noticed that something smells funky!

Hans thought it was Wilbur's bedding, but I just washed it, so I think the stink is Wilbur.

He smells like an anchovy!

I kid you not! What's that all about?

Smelly or not, at least he looks debonair.

The clock is ticking!!!

I can't believe the family wedding is almost here! We leave for Germany next Wednesday and I still have to hem my dress!

But at least it appears to be acceptable and all I have to do is hem it.

I went out to my parents' house last weekend so my mother could pin it up for me. That poor woman had to lie on the floor for I bet a half hour getting it to just the right length.

Luckily Wilbur was a good boy and spent hours chewing on Kissy Pooh's collection of marrow bones. Kissy Pooh, on the other hand, was a very ungracious hostess and shunned any attempts on his part to become friends.

She sulked upstairs, downstairs, and on the porch. And finally the time came when Wilbur, with tail wagging madly, tried to play with Kissie Pooh and she lunged at him in a very nasty way and sent him running with his tail between his legs.

I swear I saw my dad smirk but I'll let it go.





This is Wilbur after spending hours chewing on the big juicy bone we bought for him on Sunday.

He was beyond exhausted.


Actually he's just about the most relaxed dog I've ever met. He's sleeping beside me right now, and all I have to do is pick up his head, give him tons of big smoochy kisses, and he never wakes up!!!

But he's very needy and doesn't want us out of his sight. Luckily while we're gone, Vet Tech Girl will be taking care of him and he adores her.

I'll try not to worry too much while we're gone.


Chlorox is coming along much better than I expected. She's made several forays from the bedroom to the kitchen and thank God Wilbur, while curious, gives her her space. I spent hours this morning elbow deep, grinding raw chicken thighs (with bones), livers, and hearts and gizzards. Wilbur is on a raw diet and while it's actually very cheap it's a bit time consuming. Anyway Chlorox made several appearances all the while sneering at Wilbur, who would really like nothing more than a good cuddle with her!!!






Here is Chlorox on our bed, and it's the only place Wilbur is not allowed.









I call this shot: Camouflage.

Evening Gown Update and an Expert's Take on Fashion.

Even though the weather was beautiful (at least that's what I've been told) I never set foot out of the apartment today as I was busy working on the evening gown that I need to have this May for The Wedding of the Century (not mine! I will most likely be barefoot the day that happens!).

You should be able to click on these pictures for better details.

This is the bodice underlining for my dress. It's just a pricey sateen cotton muslin.

This is before I added boning to the seams.

I love 'sew in' boning because it's very user friendly.

I just place it into the vertical seams (minus the seam allowances at the above and below intersecting seams) and zig-zag it in place. You don't even realize you're sewing over it, it's that easy.

Here is the bodice with the boning in place.

I didn't worry about thread color as this piece of fabric will be sandwiched between the fashion fabric and the lining.

This dress has a midriff band.

I basted it to the interfaced muslin 'underlining, 'wrong side' of fashion fabric to 'right side' of muslin.

The actual lining, next to my body, will cover the raw edges of the underlining when all is said and done.

Sally Stitch, my slightly (very!) smug dress form (so what if her butt is smaller than mine!!!!) is modeling the bodice of my dress.

I still need to line and bind the bodice but here it is for now.

This is a such a bad picture (just don't tell Sally) but it's all I have at the moment.

Anyway, the dress still needs to be lined, the bodice still needs to be bound at the top, and actually the back center seam will end up getting ripped out. This is because I'm using an invisible zipper, and I use the Islander technique that calls for the the whole zipper seam to be open during the installation of the zipper!!!!

Go figure! But I've used this technique before and it actually works!!

I tried to put Hans to work at the end of the fitting process but what can I say.

I had the dress on, and all I asked was that he tell me if the seam allowances in the back would 'abutt' each other as this is where the zipper will be placed.

After a bit of monkeying around (really while I waited for him to make sure his online poker hand was stable) he assured me that everything was A-OK.

So, hoping that Hans knew what he was talking about I took the dress off, placed it on Sally Stitch, and proceeded to take pictures. During this time I was wearing nothing but my strapless bra, Victoria's Secret panties, and a pair of heels.

Okay, I realize it wasn't a pretty picture but when I was finally done Hans' remark was, "No wonder all the men who design fashion are gay otherwise they'd never get anything done."

I Thank God that man is nearsighted!!!

Finally back home and sewing! With a little help from a friend.

I got home from Florida on Thursday (only to find Hans hadn't done a lick of laundry including his two weeks worth of his travel clothes, didn't scoop kitty poop etc... so guess how I spent my Friday!) and on Saturday we took off to Maryland in order to get our boat ready for the season.

I could post a thousand words about getting our Knotty Cat commissioned but I'll save that for a future sailing blog.

We got back yesterday and today I was finally able to get started on the formal gown I'm to wear to the Wedding of the Century this May in Germany.

I constructed the bodice out of muslin using a size 10 and the fit was just right. I then ripped the whole thing apart because I plan on re-using the muslin pieces as the 'inner lining' on the dress. This went very quickly because I got smart and cut these pieces out on the ironing board as the Countess von Chlorox usually interferes in all things 'sewing related'.

But cutting out the actual dress was a whole different story.

The Countess had fallen asleep on our bed and I was like, "YES!" the baby is asleep and I can finally get something done!!!

I had just spread 4 or more yards of fabric on the floor and was laying out the pattern when I heard the ominous thump that told me The Countess was awake and on her way.

Damn!

This floor length gown has to be cut on the bias and I had less than the minimal amount of fabric needed to make it.

Chlorox bathed, preened, wiggled, pranced, and slept on nearly every inch of this fabric as I tried to cut it out, but I didn't have the guts to lock her up (she screams like a banshee). It took much longer than necessary but the dress is now ready to be sewn and I hope to get started on it tomorrow.

I only wish she really knew how to sew, imagine what a help she could be!

Back to sewing

Thank God Hans is in Europe on business right now or I may never have found out that I'm going to need an evening gown for a wedding we're to attend! Yes, an evening gown!

Hans' cousin is tying the knot this May in Germany, and while I may not be multi-lingual like some people (all of Hans' family!), I do know what cutaway means, and when I saw cutaway on the 'printed completely in German' wedding invitation I suspected this was going to be quite the formal event.

"Don't worry, just wear a nice dress." This was from Hans who wore a long sleeved (and very wrinkled) t-shirt to his brother's formal 50th birthday party in Switzerland!

Anyway, Hans took advantage of his business trip and was able to visit family, and that's when someone (probably remembering the wrinkled t-shirt fiasco) drove home the fact that this is going to be a FORMAL AFFAIR!

I (and I'm proud of myself) didn't say, "I told you so!" and went straight to JoAnn's. Normally I rely on Hans, my fashion guru, to help me with these things but like I said, he's not here. Luckily I hit the jackpot and found a cute little gay guy to help me make a choice between the final two fabrics I liked. Here's a link to the pattern and with my past track record, I think we all know it's going to be a huge failure!

http://www.simplicity.com/p-5000-misses-special-occasion-dresses.aspx

Bad pictures of the fabric, but look who moved right in!

There's a distinctive border running down the edges of the fabric but I'm hoping that since I'm so short I'll be able get the skirt portion out of the middle part, and the bodice part from the deeper color edges.

Trying to see if the pattern pieces will fit was impossible.

I won't have a chance to get at this for a week or so and when I do a certain kitty is going to get locked in the bedroom.

I wanted to have some fun with this situation and wondered what people would think if we showed up with Hans wearing bib overalls minus a shirt, and I would be wearing a flour sack complete with binder twine belt.

Hans didn't think that would be a good idea.

I couldn't make this stuff up!

The other night at the inn, I had a chance to work with Terri. She's around my age and I know I'm going to enjoy working with her. Years ago she was the bar manager and she eventually left, but now she's back as a waitress.

We were sharing some war stories and after I told her about a dropped wedding cake that I had the misfortune of being involved with, she asked me if I remembered when 'The Mrs.' (our name for the owner) had a dog.

This was before my time so she filled me in.

Apparently, The Mrs. had a dog named Brandy and Brandy knew her place. Brandy never went into the dining room, she regally greeted the guests, and when it stormed or she was nervous she would hide in the cloak room.

But then Brandy had to be put to sleep and The Mrs. was heartbroken. Off to the pound she went and darned if they didn't have a dog named Brandy who needed a home.

Unfortunately this Brandy was a bit common and this Brandy didn't know her place. She spent far too much time jamming her nose into crotches and was routinely chased from the dining room. The inn has 75 guest rooms and back in the day, they were left open for the public to view. That practice stopped a few years ago when the public started stealing quilts off of the beds. But back then, Brandy had her choice of rooms and was often caught napping on one of them at any given time.

One day Terri was working in the bar and since there was very little business she told the bartender she was working with that they should go check out the banquet room. There was to be a wedding reception later in the day and it's always fun to see how it's been decorated.

They were walking through the breezeway when Brandy came galumphing down the stairs from the banquet room. As always, she was in a playful mood so she wrestled around with the bartender before she grew bored and went in search of more fun.

They checked out the decorations and when they returned to the bar, the bartender asked Terri why he had whipped cream all over his pants. That's strange, they agreed, where could that have come from.

Right about then, Terri heard a commotion and stuck her head out of the bar only to see Betty, the banquet manager (who is about 4 feet 10 inches tall) literally running down the hall with a wedding cake in her arms, and her face an awful shade of gray.

"Oh my God!" Betty was hysterical. "Oh my God!" she said over and over.

She shot through the bar and into the kitchen, with Terri and the bartender right on her heels.

The cake was deposited on a table and Betty cried, "Look at this cake! Just look at it!"

Everyone stared down at what had at one time, been a wedding cake.

Now however, most of the entire bottom layer was gone, obviously eaten and slobbered on by a very hungry Brandy.

"What am I going to do?" wailed Betty. "They'll all be arriving soon and, oh my God, what am I going to do?"

Every one jumped into action. The inn does have a bakery, but of course there were no spare wedding cakes laying around so someone ran to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of small cakes. The chef whipped up some frosting but they ran into a snag when they realized that the wedding cake's frosting was a funky, off white color. Drops of coffee were added to the frosting until a passable shade was obtained.

The little cakes were crammed into the vacant space that Brandy had created, frosting was slathered over it all, and since the inn has cake decorating tools, a new border was piped on.

They were extremely lucky that it was a relatively plain cake and didn't have a basket weave or some other intricate design on it's surface.

Back to the banquet room the newly repaired cake went and the bride never knew anything had happened.

I kid you not!

When the staff cut and served the cake, they just bypassed the 'Brandy' section and threw it out later.

Sadly, Brandy's days as the inn dog were numbered.

But how I wish that dog was still there.

I have to work a wedding this afternoon and if anything goes wrong I can't use the excuse, "The dog ate it."