Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Jury Duty

Hans is in Europe for two weeks and I'm still cleaning and emptying my house. Today I got to clean the inside of my Harvest Gold stove and considering the fact that I'm not much of a cook, I'd like to know how the inside got to be so filthy! I used up a whole can of oven cleaner, and don't be fooled by the deceptive 'no oder, fresh lemon scent' notation on the can! It smelled just like hot cat piss!

And I thought it might be nice to replace the burner rings and drip pans. Well guess what? My stove is an old Hot Point and you just try to find the right parts!

Anyway, the following was emailed to me and it brought back an old memory. It has nothing to do with sewing and I've never posted anything quite like it but it's true.

The first part of this post was emailed to me and I'm copying it here.
The second part of this post is a true jury duty story. I'll state here and before the second part of this post, that the contents could very well offend and upset some people (and it should), so just be warned.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You're kidding me, right!?


ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that question?


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a blood sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, he could have been alive and practicing law.

Here's the second part of the post.

Have you ever been selected for jury duty?
I have.
And I have to tell you that I took it very seriously as did all the other people who served with me. Deciding someones innocence or guilt is not anything to be taken lightly and, let me add, I hope to never be a witness at a trial! What those poor people at my trial were subjected to was humiliating.
Someday maybe I'll post about my own experience.

I'll warn you now that the following story contains subject matter and language that may offend some people but it is an absolutely true story.
Imagine how awful it would be to be chosen for a rape trial.
That's what happened to a friend of mine and here is her experience.
Basically, a woman claimed that an acquaintance of hers had abducted her, took her to a hotel, and raped her.
This is her testimony upon being interrogated by the accused man's defense attorney.

Attorney: So you're saying that after you got into Mr. Smith's car, he pulled a gun on you and told you he'd kill you if you didn't do what he said.
Victim: That's right.
Attorney: And then he took you to a bar, is that right?
Victim: That's right.
Attorney: When you were in the bar, were you at any time alone? Did Mr. Smith leave you at any time?
Victim: Well, he went to the bathroom.
Attorney: And where was the gun?
Victim: He left it in the car, in the glove compartment.
Attorney: So at that point Mr. Smith is in the bathroom, the gun is in the car, and you had ample opportunity to ask for help. Why didn't you?
Victim: I don't know.
Attorney: What happened next.
Victim: We went to get gas in the car.
Attorney: After Mr. Smith was done pumping gas in the car, what did he do?
Victim: Huh?
Attorney: I'm asking you if Mr. Smith paid for the gas? Or did he just leave and not pay?
Victim: No, he paid for it.
Attorney: And how did he pay for it?
Victim: He went inside and gave them the money. (This was before you could pay at the pump with credit cards)
Attorney: And where was the gun then?
Victim: Mr. Smith asked me to hold it while he went inside.

Silence while the jury got to digest this.

Attorney: So then where did you go?
Victim: We went to a hotel.
Attorney: And?
Victim: Mr. Smith told me to take my clothes off so I did.
Attorney: And then what happened?
Victim: He made me have sex with him.
Attorney: Did he talk to you?
Victim: Yes.
Attorney: What did he say?
Victim: He said, ' Squeeze my balls.'
Attorney: And did you?
Victim: NO I DID NOT!
Attorney: Did he say anything else to you?
Victim: Yes.
Attorney: What did he say?
Victim: He said, 'Squeeze them harder.'

And folks this actually went to trial.
I kid you not.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Aw, jeebus, those are friggin hilarious!!!